I notice the dust in the apartment floating up into the sunlight It carries with it something pure and holy, and it touches me I can feel her hand resting on my shoulder telling me to slow down You've had a long week and it's okay I wonder why it's so hard to notice such beauty when you see it every day
I fear I’m becoming what I’ve resented for so long - a workaholic. I never thought it’d happen to me. “My personal life is too important for my attention to be stuck at work,” “I go just because I have to fund my real life,” and “I’ll never have a job become part of my identity.”
I blame it on an opportunity for advancement plus my perfectionism.
Looking back, I have often been consumed by work. On the farm, I was tormented towards the end of my stay by whether or not I was doing well enough. I could never relax because I wanted to do better, but I avoided work because it caused so much anxiety. My summer camp job didn’t feel so much like a job rather than a lifestyle so I won’t draw too many comparisons there.
This would all be fine and dandy except for other dreams and passions falling to the wayside. I have not written any original music in weeks. I’ve still written poetry but the passion isn’t there. I am still playing covers and singing after work, but the productivity isn’t there.
Work should slow down soon. I’ve been saying that for a while, and I’m resting in this creatively unproductive space and trying not to cast judgment until things clear up.
I feel like I’ve lost my magic.
But like everything, I know it’s not permanent. To quote one of my favorite artists, Peter Draws, “Everything comes and goes. Thankfully, and unfortunately.”
Maybe it’s another lesson. I still have the magic, it’s just being redirected right now. The wind will point me back north when conditions are favorable and I’ll be much more disciplined and inspired than before.
Other things
Let’s get into the good stuff.
I saved and bought a new guitar - a much-needed upgrade and one I feel very grateful to be able to afford. I made a deal with myself back in Salt Lake City that if I seriously kept up with guitar and played daily I would have earned a new guitar with my first full-time paycheck. I know it’s a selfish expenditure but it seems very worth it, and I love my new guitar. I think we will go far together.
In addition, I have a best friend who lives close to me again! It took a couple of years to find one that fits, but we are like soulmates and she brings so much joy and comfort into my life. I’ve been on the search for a while but when it’s right, it’s easy. Similar to romantic relationships in my experience.
Also, my interest in cycling has been growing and I have been learning a lot about them. I advocated for myself at job interviews expressing my interest in bike positions and I’m now reaping the benefits. Old dreams from only a few months ago are being dusted off and rediscovered - even Zak shares my interest in this avenue so maybe it’ll turn into something amazing. I know I’m excited to go further down this road and see what happens. It feels good.
Some intentions for the upcoming week
Listen to less music and learn to seek quiet more often.
Call a doctor and set up an appointment to go over a couple of medical concerns to make sure I’m running as efficiently as possible.
Find a new book and start reading every day.
Have a plant care day.
Spend more time outside.
P.S. Thanks to everyone for reading and supporting this newsletter! I am very grateful for this space and everyone who visits it with me.